Coping with grief – the first Christmas and beyond
4th December
We are quickly approaching that time of year when TV adverts portray a sparkling, family-orientated, food-obsessed holiday. For many of those who recognise Christmas or other celebrations in December, it can be the ‘most wonderful time of the year’; for those who have been bereaved since the previous Christmas, it can be a truly challenging time.
This Grief Awareness Week (2-8 December), Hospice in the Weald has produced a top tips guide for anyone facing Christmas without their loved one to help provide reassurance and a few ideas to help them navigate their way through the festive season and beyond.
Written by Paul Madden, Director of Care at Hospice in the Weald, ‘Coping with Grief – the first Christmas and beyond’ aims to offer reassurance and ideas to consider to help those dealing with loss navigate their way through the festive season and beyond.
Paul said: “Many people can attest that post-bereavement is a year of firsts. The first birthday, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or an anniversary without your loved one, not to mention the first Christmas, can be difficult. Or perhaps this is your ‘next’ Christmas, but you realise that last year you were still numb.”
He explained that it’s important to understand that everyone will deal with grief and these significant calendar markers differently and that should be reassuring.
“There will likely be moments of sadness that will hit you at odd times, perhaps while you are shopping or making dinner or when you hear a Christmas song that brings back a memory,” he said. “For others, Christmas or other annual celebrations may be something they’ve looked forward to and that is also okay.
“The grief experienced at this time of year, if recognised and supported, can be a helpful part of the grieving process. While this is just a brief guide intended to offer reassurance and some ideas, Hospice in the Weald provides a wealth of free resources and support for those coping with bereavement. We want to do all we can to open up conversations about death and normalise grief.”
Here are some of Paul’s top tips from the guide, that those who have lost a loved one may wish to consider:
1 What do you want?
Talk to those you trust and get support from and inform them how you might want to spend the holiday season. That may be doing the usual Christmas things but letting them know it will be tough for you and that you might be sad or emotional.
You could also do something completely different like travel or not celebrate it at all.
2 Permission to grieve
There’s nothing worse than feeling you have to bottle emotions up, especially at Christmas. Allow yourself to grieve, cry or be sad, and, at times, be happy and laugh. Surround yourself with people who accept you, whether you are happy or sad.
3 Don’t do anything
You may feel that Christmas is too much, and you might want to spend it alone. Tell those important to you that this is your preference.
4 Reach out
Remember that this will get easier with time, but it’s difficult and painful.
Use your family and friends for that support too – but we know that some people are better at this than others, so reach out to those people whom you know will be able to offer what you need, as others may also be grieving and not have the headspace to support you (and that is okay too).
The counsellors and chaplaincy team at Hospice in the Weald are always here to support loved ones, as well as our patients, throughout the year.
5 Its okay to be okay
People can feel guilty about being ‘okay’ or guilty that they are having a good time. As mentioned above, feelings around grief change all the time. While we can think that our loved one would most certainly want us to remember them, they would also want us to enjoy friends and family or laugh again – don’t be hard on yourself.
The main thing is to look after yourself, physically and mentally, and seek support when you need it.
To read the full guide ‘Coping with Grief – the first Christmas and beyond’ and see the Hospice’s other resources designed to support those who have been bereaved, whether recently or some time ago, visit www.hospiceintheweald.org.uk
